18/09/06 LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF

I have been thinking how a lot of bigger people find it difficult to appraise themselves, often impossible. They also tend to help other people as a distration for their own difficulties and troubles. So.. todays thought provoking subject has been this.

I have a large amount of time at the minute to think about things... to consider the effects they have on my life. This large amount of time has probably been created by the no longer required cooking and eating ritual throughout the day!

So... On Minimins; today I began a thread encouraging people to learn to love themself... I thought it would be a good way of getting us all to commit in writing and sharing with others our self appreciation. I knew that this would be something that I would find challenging; though I feel that it is an important thing to learn to do; To love ourself!

We care soooo much about the people around us; We would do
anything for them. Our biggest trouble is that we are less willing
to be so honourable in caring and looking after ourselves.

So.. my thread began

Things to love about myself:
1) That I am an extremely compassionate person

As time progresses I hope that my self appreciation will also develop. That is the theory.

There is no point going through all this to get thinner only to let ourselves down by not appreciating it and understanding why we deserve it!

17/09/06 DAY SIX

I am feeling quite emotional today... Not really sure why?
(Maybe it's nearing that time of the month) lol.

I hope to blog regularly. I feel it is important to record my thoughts and feelings as I progress along my journey. It will be the best way for me to see how my understanding and reactions to certain situations progress over time.

I can't stand drinking all of this water... I am beginning to feel like a human water pump. I don't think I have ever had to take so many trips to the loo each day. I think any reason for me feeling as though I'm struggling a little is caused by the fact that I am so far not very successful in busying my time. Also, that I was looking forward to going back into employment and that has fell through at the last minute.
It would have been my first shift tonight so I am a little saddened by the fact that that is no more.

I chose the Cambridge Diet over other options as I wanted to take the risk of temptation further out of the equation then it is in other diets. Doing other diets where you are encouraged to eat certain foods and avoid other foods; it is inevitable that the disallowed foods will eventually weedle their way back into the allowed group... You are in your mind able to rationalise this rule break; even though you are aware that it is wrong and unacceptable.

So- as I am limited to three of my wee shake army rations a day (and of course gallons of water) I know this is ALL of my daily consumption. No nibbling on this or just a little of that! NO! None of it! and once you are kicked into Ketosis the real hunger goes... By REAL hunger I mean exactly that. Not the usual hunger... the hunger a lot of us larger people have be accustomed to. The hunger that is really only psychological... the hunger that is often caused as a means of distraction or due to boredom. REAL hunger is a feeling that I almost forgot what it felt like. I mean my stomach previously grumbled... I think it was used to the moan slightly and you are fed! But over the last few days it has shown me what it means when it is really hunger... ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR GRUUUUMBBBLE!!

Thankfully as mentioned once ketosis kicked in the hunger has died down. This is great and makes you feel like you ARE actually capable of doing this diet. My preparation has deifinitely paid off! Meaning that it didn't take long at all to get into ketosis!

I am puzzled, confused, intrigued and thought provoked... by what lies ahead. It is only week one; and I am aware that I have taken a huuuge step and the personal acheivement even now is noticable. But I am thinking about what the next few months, potentially half a year has to hold.

I said to my partner last night that I feel like there is a part of me that feels like it is dying. The part that enjoys to overeat on occassion... not because I like overeating.. but because I just enjoy being occupied by food. I love the sensory feelings... I love the smell of it cooking, the anticipation of how it is going to taste, then the actual eating of it itself... the texture as you bite into it, the taste and the longer that I can make those happy emotions last... and the longer I can busy myself actually eating the better?

Strange!?

I actually enjoy healthy food... I enjoy vegetables... infact I love vegetables. I love salad! Must admit I'm not so keen on fruit! I think I just make some bad food choices, a lot of carbohydrate in my diet, a lot of refined white sugar. And also my decisions to not eat at regular intervals or little and often. Hopefully... what with the large amount of reflective time I seem to findmyself with presently I will have time to really think things through. Time to plan for the future.

15/09/06 DAY FOUR

Today has been an interesting day... I had to go to the opticians this morning. I spent a total of 2 1/2 hours in Specsavers having my sight test and choosing my frames. I feared that I may never leave. Still I got some lovely glasses- that's what's important!

Next as I we had been in there so long my partner decided to go to Mc Donalds to get some fries to eat... as she had had no breakfast and was starving. This was my first real challenge. I have a bit thing for Big Macs. Not quite sure why... really... they aren't amazing!? but I do... so I was concerned I might crave a Big Mac. I didn't... Wasn't bothered at all! Phew! I just sat there while she ate her large Fries drinking a free cup of water (lol). I was suprised. It was interesting to be in Mc Donalds as an observer rather than as a real customer.

It came to my attention that most people go to Mc Donalds for it's pure convenience rather than the fact they actual enjoy the meal. I was astounded at how quickly people shovel the food into their cakeholes... barely finished chewing one mouthful before cramming in another mouthful. No sooner have they sat down with their 'Gourmet Lunch' then it is consumed and on it's tragic journey through the digestive system. Oh dear! I must say I was a little repulsed by the whole experience.
It dawned on me that Mc Donalds is really nothing to savour and enjoy.... It is just a "hole filler".

Also my job that I was reaaaaally looking forward to has fell through due to a few complications.... but chin up hey! Things happen for a reason. If it was meant to be... then it would have been!

Anyways.. Tomorrow brings a new day-
and another day closer to slims-ville!!

14/09/06 DAY THREE

So... I am now on day 3. Many people have told me that this is one of the most difficult days to get through. I can't quite understand why? I'm thinking that perhaps it is because your motivation takes a lull after it's high energy in the first couple of days and that your body has taken a large drop in calorie intake... Maybe this is when it realy starts to take effect. This is afterall when I have been told ketosis begins; though I was fortunate as, because of my good planning for me it began yesterday :)

I must say it has been easier than I had expected. My original apprehension has been quashed as I have made it so far.
So long as my motivation and self-belief doesn't die all will be good.

The things that I am struggling with most seems to be the huuuge water consumption required on the diet; and hand in hand with that comes the constant need to pee! lol

I would like to thank all at Minimins for helping me get through the first few days... I'm sure I'll probably thank you a million more times as the pounds drop off; but really, thankyou for all of the support and advice everyone has provided me with.

You are all stars! (especially the WeMITTS).

12/09/06 NO MORE WAITING

Today was going to be my last day of eating. I had planned to start Sole Source tomorrow (Wednesday) as my CDC was due to visit today and deliver my rations.
Before she came I had only eaten scrambled eggs (protein) so she said it would be okay for me to start today if I wanted to! :)
So... this is exactly what I did!

I was buzzing with motivation and enthusiasm; so though I had planned to eat a gorgeous dinner of M&S Aberdeen Angus Burger (no bun), lettuce, onion and cucumber as my final healthy dinner I would freeze the burgers and begin immediately.

NEVER PUT OFF TO TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY!

I went from 1pm right up to 8pm without eating anything; not even hungry! Very odd! I'm certain that the main stimulation is mental stamina... most of the causes and triggers from previous times that have made me eat I am sure are psychological! Not genuine hunger!
So this brings me to my little "situation"

THE MILKSHAKE EPISODE

I have just had my first shake... and I must say it was a pleasant suprise! Anyway- I had purchased a jug that worked like a blender (has a little whisk at the bottom and runs on batteries). I thought this was a great buy as it only cost me £1!

So I went about making my shake.. whisked! buzzzzzzzzzz! and found that it did very little to the drink. I made the decision to take the drink and pour it into a glass to see if it had mixed or not! So I unscrewed it from it's base....
What followed can only be described as a tidal wave of strawberry shake whooshing out of the bottom of the jug. It looked like strawberry sick all over my kitchen carpet! Not to mention I got absolutely soaked in the process!
Ooops!

Note to self: In future do not unscrew jugs from bases that do not do so... as a result you will be taking the base off and a similar event will occur!
Hahahahah!

Anyway... the second attempt went without problems!

DAY 1: SURVIVED... woohoo! and I'm going to bed now;
thankfully not hungry!

WEEK 0:

Height: 5 ft 5.4 in
Start weight: 17st 10.5 lb
Current weight: 17st 10.5 lb
Goal weight: 10st 7.0 lb
Lost to date: 0st 0.0 lb
Remaining: 7st 3.5 lb

11/09/06 THE WAIT IS NEARLY OVER

Tomorrow my CDC (Cambridge Diet Counsellor) visits me for the first time. I hope that this will mark the beginning of things... get the ball rolling for real... and hopefully I can begin on Wednesday.

I have tried to avoid the "Last Supper" dilemma; last takeaway; last pig out! Preperation is a must if I am to succeed! Today I wnt to M&S and selected some nice healthy lo-carb food so that my last supper will be healthy and suitable to coincide with my preparation. I have avoided Carbs over the last few days as much as possible; with the exception of one Simply Cod (coated in batter) which I'm sure must contain some carbs. Other than that my kitchen has been a no-carb zone; well my food anyway! It is still full of all of the lovely snacks and treats that my partner will enjoy munching away on.

This morning I called my doctors surgery to try and arrange an appointment with my GP before the diet begins. I thought a health check was a great idea... so I can really monitor my health! Sensible me... lol! hehehe! The silly cow (I mean receptionist) was forceful in expressing the view of the surgery on the subject of VLCD's.. That they are quite opposed to them. Thanks for the support!! (or lack of)

Anyway; she eventually booked me an appointment with the parctice nurse for later in the week. I don't think that I'll bother with it though... I think that i can manage without their "support".

10/09/06 IN THE BEGINNING

I am going to do the Cambridge Diet! I have about 7-8 stone to shift
and can't imagine how I feel when I reach the end of my journey!!
I am what some describe as a serial dieter... What can I say... I love food!

There's a huuuge part of me that's raring to go. To get the first week over with and be on my voyage to "Slims-ville" However; Somewhere in my tiny little mind it is dawning on me that this will mean 4 weeks with no food!! Four weeks; I mean until now I struggle with four hours not eating or nibbling on something.

I have been getting into the right frame of mind- SUCCESS;

That I will not fail- I will make it through the first week and as
soon as I see the pounds dropping off I will be uber-motivated!

But what does no food really mean? How will I get through it? Last minute nerves hey, before the big day lol.. anyone would think that I'm getting married! If only there was a way to know what lies ahead!

I don't know that I have ever been this mentally motivated, focussed and believing... This time I feel like I really do have a chance.

So, just three more dinners to go before my milkshake frenzy; as sadly I don't like soup and these are the only options open to me for the first few weeks!