17/09/06 DAY SIX

I am feeling quite emotional today... Not really sure why?
(Maybe it's nearing that time of the month) lol.

I hope to blog regularly. I feel it is important to record my thoughts and feelings as I progress along my journey. It will be the best way for me to see how my understanding and reactions to certain situations progress over time.

I can't stand drinking all of this water... I am beginning to feel like a human water pump. I don't think I have ever had to take so many trips to the loo each day. I think any reason for me feeling as though I'm struggling a little is caused by the fact that I am so far not very successful in busying my time. Also, that I was looking forward to going back into employment and that has fell through at the last minute.
It would have been my first shift tonight so I am a little saddened by the fact that that is no more.

I chose the Cambridge Diet over other options as I wanted to take the risk of temptation further out of the equation then it is in other diets. Doing other diets where you are encouraged to eat certain foods and avoid other foods; it is inevitable that the disallowed foods will eventually weedle their way back into the allowed group... You are in your mind able to rationalise this rule break; even though you are aware that it is wrong and unacceptable.

So- as I am limited to three of my wee shake army rations a day (and of course gallons of water) I know this is ALL of my daily consumption. No nibbling on this or just a little of that! NO! None of it! and once you are kicked into Ketosis the real hunger goes... By REAL hunger I mean exactly that. Not the usual hunger... the hunger a lot of us larger people have be accustomed to. The hunger that is really only psychological... the hunger that is often caused as a means of distraction or due to boredom. REAL hunger is a feeling that I almost forgot what it felt like. I mean my stomach previously grumbled... I think it was used to the moan slightly and you are fed! But over the last few days it has shown me what it means when it is really hunger... ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR GRUUUUMBBBLE!!

Thankfully as mentioned once ketosis kicked in the hunger has died down. This is great and makes you feel like you ARE actually capable of doing this diet. My preparation has deifinitely paid off! Meaning that it didn't take long at all to get into ketosis!

I am puzzled, confused, intrigued and thought provoked... by what lies ahead. It is only week one; and I am aware that I have taken a huuuge step and the personal acheivement even now is noticable. But I am thinking about what the next few months, potentially half a year has to hold.

I said to my partner last night that I feel like there is a part of me that feels like it is dying. The part that enjoys to overeat on occassion... not because I like overeating.. but because I just enjoy being occupied by food. I love the sensory feelings... I love the smell of it cooking, the anticipation of how it is going to taste, then the actual eating of it itself... the texture as you bite into it, the taste and the longer that I can make those happy emotions last... and the longer I can busy myself actually eating the better?

Strange!?

I actually enjoy healthy food... I enjoy vegetables... infact I love vegetables. I love salad! Must admit I'm not so keen on fruit! I think I just make some bad food choices, a lot of carbohydrate in my diet, a lot of refined white sugar. And also my decisions to not eat at regular intervals or little and often. Hopefully... what with the large amount of reflective time I seem to findmyself with presently I will have time to really think things through. Time to plan for the future.